Your questions about how to respond to your pro-gay friend regarding homosexual marriage are common these days. One of the reasons they arise is that the gay community forcefully asserts that sexual orientation is analogous to race. In other words, they contend (with no real proof) that a person’s desire to have sex with their own gender is as fixed and morally neutral as the color of his or her skin. So to attach moral significance to sexuality, to hold that it is immoral or against nature to perform homosexual acts makes one a “bigot.” This assertion, this analogy, is the lynchpin of the entire argument in favor of legitimizing homosexuality as an honorable lifestyle and thus endorsing the idea of gay marriage. It is also a form of subtle slight-of-hand that seems to fool vast numbers of people into believing that sex is not really a moral issue. There has never been a time in Western Civilization when sex was considered a morally neutral subject. The analogy between race and homosexuality breaks down at several different levels. Others have written about this as well. (See for instance Joe Carter’s excellent article: http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2014/02/24/is-sexual-orientation-analogous-to-race/ )
We should be aware of two important points that our world seems not to grasp at all. First, if there is a God (as we believe) then sex is sacred because he created and designed it, just like race. God made people in different races (many) and insists that we respect that and live in the reality of it. He also made people in different sexes (only two) and we should treat that as sacred as well. Sex is not simply a bodily function, but a sacred trust to be experienced in what the Bible calls marriage—a heterosexual, life-long, legal union (Gen.2:24; Rom.1:26-27; 1 Cor.6:9-20). The Bible is abundantly clear that all forms of sexual immorality (sexual relationships outside of the biblical definition of marriage just mentioned) are aspects of the evil of our age and part of why the Lord will ultimately judge the world (Col.3:5-6). That’s why when a person comes to the Lord they repent of all forms of sin and ask the Lord to forgive them, which he does. Repentant people are not always successful in their resistance to temptation of course, but they feel bad about that, knowing that the thing they have done is wrong and wishing that they did not do it. The Lord picks us up and takes us forward in our battle against what theologians call “indwelling sin” (1 Jn.1:8-2:2; Rom.7:21-25; 1 Jn.1:8-10). But to arbitrarily change God’s definition of sex and marriage and then insist that because we have done this what He calls wrong is actually right, simply makes hash of moral reality.
But second, even if one is not a theist, doesn’t believe in God, and therefore does believe in Darwinian evolution (the only other possibility), homosexuality is an oddity to say the least. If Darwinism is true then reproduction is the prime directive for the human race. Given how the human body has “evolved” with male and female models specifically suited for reproduction, how can we possibly say that homosexuality is anything but an anomaly? It is hard to see how it should command so much attention and approbation. It is also hard to see why people should be criticized for not signing on to the blanket endorsement of it.
It is no surprise that your friend does not accept what the Bible says about this. The social pressure to not think of homosexuality as backward sex is immense and growing. Even many Christians are swayed by the cultural undercurrents. On the other hand, it is your right morally and legally to disagree with the minority report—and it is a minority, just a militantly vocal and influential minority. My advice is that you make your point and realize that your friend has been influenced more by a sentimental, westernized, and amoral view of sex and love than by a rational, spiritual, biblical or historical grasp of these things. The pro-gay movement is culturally arrogant in that they assume that any person, culture, or country that doesn’t think homosexuality is a good thing is backward, bigoted, and essentially evil. They are openly disdainful of all cultures that are not like theirs. This is odd, because they often consider themselves unbearably bright, enlightened and tolerant. Nevertheless they look down on all those who disagree with them, eagerly taking the “moral high ground” to defend their actions.
Your friend asked the question, “Why would God keep two people who love each other from marrying?” But of course by that logic anybody who “loves” anybody should be able to have sex with them and “marry” them. Really? This moral reasoning breaks down the minute it hits the oxygen of actual life. Just because people supposedly “love” each other does not mean that their sexual relationship is a morally right or good thing. God tells people all sorts of things that are right or wrong independent of human emotions on the subject.
You asked the question, “How do people become gay?” This is complex, as are all forms of human brokenness in a fallen world. If you ask the gay community, they will usually say it’s because they’re born that way. This mantra is more a dogma than a proof. No doubt some do feel homosexual desires from early on in their lives. But research does not conclusively support the biological theory for the cause of homosexuality. In fact, research supports no particular cause for it. There is much mystery apparently. American Psychological Association has weighed in on this subject with a firm opinion that we should not be dogmatic about how homosexuality occurs:
There is no consensus among scientists about the exact reasons that an individual develops a heterosexual, bisexual, gay or lesbian orientation. Although much research has examined the possible genetic, hormonal, developmental, social and cultural influences on sexual orientation, no findings emerged that permit scientists to conclude that sexual orientation is determined by any particular factor or factors. Many think that nature and nurture both play complex roles; most people experience little or no sense of choice about their sexual orientation.
(“Answers to Your Questions about Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality,” American Psychological Association, www.apa.org/topics/sorientation.html#whatcauses.)
Whatever else this statement implies, it at least makes us step back from the preachy media propaganda that homosexuality is always and only a biological predisposition.
Then too, there is the power of plain old seduction, the manipulation of sexual pleasure, which can become such a persuasive force in the human soul. Sexual desire is easily molded among young people, which is why we still have harsh laws against adults having sex with minors. Furthermore the “I was born that way” defense is slippery. Most humans are born with a more or less strong desire for the opposite sex, right? Does that mean that they should always follow their instincts with regard to that? No. That’s why we have laws against pornography and prostitution. Some men have always felt sexual desire for very young girls and boys. Is that OK? Of course not. I cannot think of any other area of human moral or ethical endeavor where we allow ourselves to use the excuse that we were “born that way,” as the primary justification for our behavior.
Does this mean that homosexuals are “worse sinners” than anybody else and should be shunned and persecuted? Of course not. The Bible says that we are all constantly falling short of the glory of God (Rom.3:23). That’s why the Lord saves us by grace! The best of us is not that much better than the worst of us when we compare our deeds with God Himself. And God’s grace is just as available to homosexuals as to heterosexuals (1 Cor.6:9-11). We should have compassion for each other and tell each other to repent and trust the Lord. Many Christians have not found a balance of honesty and compassion for those in the gay world. On the other hand, compassion and civility do not necessarily mean endorsement and agreement. My advice is to be calm, loving, patient, and well-informed. But do not feel that you must agree with what is essentially an illogical and unbiblical view of human sexuality.
I hope this helps a bit in your difficult discussions with your friend.
Grace and Peace,